How are we to discover and help to promote the farther reaches of erotic intimacy? In an effort to expand our understanding, over the last ten years, our research team began a series of phenomenologically oriented studies of optimal erotic experience. We interviewed 75 key informants over the age of 60 who had been in relationships of 25 years or longer and self-identified members of sexual minority groups (e.g., GLBT, poly, BDSM practitioners) who reported having experienced remarkable erotic intimacy. A phenomenologically-oriented content analysis was performed through an iterative process of repeated readings, bracketing, identification of common themes, discussion within the research team and a return to the interview transcripts. We learned about the components of optimal sexuality, lessons to be learned from great lovers, the commonalities among extraordinary lovers and factors which help to bring about optimal sexual experiences.
In each analysis, verbal communication, touch and empathy emerged as components of erotic intimacy as well as crucial contributors to creating optimal erotic experience. While existing research on sexual communication has focused on assertiveness, self-disclosure and validation, participants’ experiences of verbal communication and touch bore little resemblance to conventional understandings. Rather, participants in this investigation emphasized a much higher calibre of empathic communication: complete and total sharing of themselves, both verbally and through touch with partners before, during and after sexual encounters. They described “feeling into the other person’s space” and focused on awareness, responsiveness, flexibility and connection.
Our current endeavours involve applying these findings with couples – whether “distressed” and “dysfunctional” or “normal” – seeking to improve their sex lives. The ramifications of these efforts for empathic attunement, revisioning the erotic and the implications for sex and couples therapy are considered. A demonstration of dyadic feeling while touching will be included, with audience participation invited. We will conclude with the opportunity to discuss and de-brief.
In each analysis, verbal communication, touch and empathy emerged as components of erotic intimacy as well as crucial contributors to creating optimal erotic experience. While existing research on sexual communication has focused on assertiveness, self-disclosure and validation, participants’ experiences of verbal communication and touch bore little resemblance to conventional understandings. Rather, participants in this investigation emphasized a much higher calibre of empathic communication: complete and total sharing of themselves, both verbally and through touch with partners before, during and after sexual encounters. They described “feeling into the other person’s space” and focused on awareness, responsiveness, flexibility and connection.
Our current endeavours involve applying these findings with couples – whether “distressed” and “dysfunctional” or “normal” – seeking to improve their sex lives. The ramifications of these efforts for empathic attunement, revisioning the erotic and the implications for sex and couples therapy are considered. A demonstration of dyadic feeling while touching will be included, with audience participation invited. We will conclude with the opportunity to discuss and de-brief.